growing up kids

TOO MANY CHILDREN ARE STILL GETTING CAUGHT IN THE CROSSHAIRS OF THEIR PARENTS’ DIVORCE

2006-12-04T02:03:00.000+07:00

Divorce is difficult enough, but with children it can become quite complicated. At a time when many parents feel immobilized and helpless, they are faced with the task of helping their children through this tough transitional period. The dissolving of the marriage partnership is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s followed by numerous transitions that typically include changes in living arrangements, personal habits, family roles and responsibilities, finances and friendships.

According to psychologists who study divorce, the most important thing a parent can do to minimize the negative impact of divorce on their children is to coexist peacefully with their former spouse. This involves putting aside differences for the sake of the children and supporting one another in the continuing roles as parents. If the parents focus on the children’s needs more than the property settlement and related issues, and keep spousal conflict away from the children, the children’s stress will be minimized.

On the other hand, if children are exposed to frequent heated arguments, fights, threats and hateful comments between their parents, it could lead to behavior problems, loyalty conflicts and fear. Hearing one parent bad-mouth the other is what kids hate the most.

They love both parents. Unfortunately, when I share this information with a parent in a divorce or custody battle, the response is often something like this: “I know that I should control my anger around the kids, but I can’t. My ex pushes my buttons until I boil!” I respond with, “THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU! IT’S ABOUT YOUR KIDS.” When both ex-spouses recognize that their former husband or wife is important to their children, harmony can prevail. Ex-spouses should commit to being not just civil, but nice to each other when their children are present. If you can’t do it for your ex-spouse, do it for your children. As parents, the vow “Till death do you part” takes on a special meaning, married or divorced.

I'm Growing Up - But Am I Normal?

2006-07-30T17:13:00.000+07:00

by : Barbara p. Homeier

Since your last birthday, a lot of things have changed. For one, you're much smarter than you were last year. That's obvious.But there might have been some other changes - ones that you weren't ready for. Perhaps you've sprouted several inches above everyone else in class.

Or maybe they all did the sprouting and you feel too short. Maybe you haven't gained a pound and you feel like a feather on the seesaw, or maybe you can't fit into your favorite pair of jeans. And now you're looking in the mirror, thinking only one thing: Am I normal?

Everybody's DifferentFirst of all, what's normal? There's no one normal. Otherwise, the world would be full of a lot of abnormal people! The next time you go to the mall, take a look around. You'll see tall people, short people, and people with broad shoulders, little feet, big stomachs, long fingers, stubby legs, and skinny arms . . . you get the idea.

You can change your hairstyle or put on a new hat, but the way you look isn't entirely under your control. Your looks were largely determined by your parents. When your parents created you, they passed on their genes - a kind of special code - and those genes helped to decide your size and shape, your eye color and hair texture, even whether you have freckles.

Small or TallHeight is just one of the thousands of features your genes decide. In fact, because you have two parents, your genes act like a referee, giving you a height that usually lands somewhere between the height of each parent. If both your parents are tall, then most likely you will be tall, too, but if you have questions about how tall you're going to be, ask your doctor if he or she can help you figure it out.

But genes don't decide everything. For example, eating an unhealthy diet can keep you from growing to your full potential. Getting plenty of sleep, enough exercise, and nutrients will help you grow just like you should.

No doubt you're wondering how fast you should grow. It depends. There's no perfect or right amount. On average, kids grow about 2 inches (6 centimeters) a year between age 3 and when they start puberty (when your body starts changing and becoming more grown up).

Your doctor will know how your growth has been going over the years. Two centimeters here and 2 inches there are not nearly as important as the height you're at now, how you've been growing up to this point, and what other changes your body may be going through.

Don't be scared if you seem to have grown a lot in a very short time. Everyone has a growth spurt during puberty. The average age for starting puberty is about 10 for girls and about 11 for boys. But it can be earlier or later - between 7 and 13 for girls and 9 and 15 for boys.

You'll usually begin to notice that you're growing faster about a year or so after your body starts to show the first changes of puberty - girls will develop breasts and a boy's penis and testicles will get bigger.

Weighing InWeight can vary a lot, too, from kid to kid. It's tempting to compare yourself to your friends. But kids often weigh more or less than their friends and are still considered normal. TV and magazines might make us think our bodies should weigh and look a certain way, but in real life, there are a lot of differences.

Some kids worry so much about their weight that they try unhealthy and dangerous things to change it. The best way to have a healthy weight is to eat right and get a lot of playtime (exercise).

What to Do if You're WorriedIf you have concerns about your weight - or how your body is changing - talk it over with a parent or your doctor. The doctor can tell you if anything is wrong. But most likely, your one-of-a-kind body is growing just like it's supposed to.

Tips for New Moms: Surround Yourself with People Who Make You Feel Safe

2006-07-27T15:47:00.000+07:00

Choosy moms confide their strange new ways of thinking in people who make them feel safe. They are especially choosy when it comes to medical professionals and friends. They also cultivate with spouses a milieu in which they don't feel overexposed or vulnerable.

Getting the Bedside Manner You WantFind doctors and/or midwives who fill pregnancy and childbirth with warm, personal, and communicative encounters. Ask your friends for recommendations. For those of you taking other routes to maternity, nurture a similarly comfortable stance with case workers, attorneys, birth moms, and surrogates.

If you don't feel comfortable with the person who will deliver your baby, consider hiring a doula, a trained coach who can be with you at home and at the hospital throughout labor. (Most doula fees are nominal considering the value they bring, and they often offer sliding scales or payment arrangements.) The doula's job is to calm you and your partner, to help you feel more in control of this important event, and to make sure you, not just the baby, emerge healthfully from the birth experience.

Prepping Spouses and PartnersJohn Gottman, Ph.D., the nation's premier marriage researcher, believes a spouse's empathy with his wife when she becomes a mother is the single most important indicator of their future marital happiness. If your spouse came with the factory-installed level of male sensitivity, he may not grasp the breadth and depth of your feelings on his own.

Weeks before the birth, you may, for example, want to share with him your tremendous fear that he, and a roomful of people, may see you poop a little in the process of pushing the baby out. Once you talk about your discomfort, you may decide he and his seven brothers and sisters should be shooed into the waiting room once the pushing starts.

On the other hand, this talk may be the signal your husband requires to become the champion of your dignity in the delivery room. There, he'll discreetly wipe the poop away, so as to make you feel comforted in the hour you show your most awesome physical power.

Finding Pregnant and Postpartum Confidantes
I learned the hard way how important it is to find mommy confidantes of the same ilk. At a Pampered Chef party full of naval officers' wives, I blurted out to groups of women that early motherhood had shaken me to the core and pushed me close to the brink of madness.

The moms I could trust were the ones who yanked me into a corner and started spilling their wine and their guts. The ones who laughed uncomfortably and segued into saying they were born to be mothers, made me cry all the way home, and wake up in the morning wanting to write an expos?bout "Mommies Who Lie."

Rather than fall into this trap, start out when you're expecting and share ice cream and inexplicable tears with another pregnant and hormonally deranged friend. It's important to try a couple sound checks in the gulf that sometimes exists between strangers-about-to-be-friends. Try "Check, check, are you disturbed by the amount of goop coming out of your vagina?" Or, "Testing, testing, I sometimes wish this pregnancy was all a crazy dream."

If she doesn't flinch and she can go on to gluttonous enjoyment of her ice cream, make her your regular confidante. It's likely you've found a friend to see you through a million more jubilations and frustrations once your babies come out into the world to play. The two of you can find playgroups that fit your personality, or shun them altogether for your own fellowship. Seek professional help if your teen's abnormal behaviors last more than three weeks.

5 Tips to Help Improve Your Kids' Study Habits

2006-07-27T15:42:00.000+07:00

By Amber Marquez-

Moore Introduction Many students have experienced waking up in a cold sweat as a result of an upcoming test, forgotten assignment, or sub par report card. You can help your child avoid these restless nights with these simple tips and tools that will help put any student on the path to the head of the class.

• Track your kids' priorities
• Provide a trusted source
• Help your kids' homework look the part
• Does it add up? Graphing calculators can help
• Encourage notes in class

Here are some tips and tools to help your child get good grades (and you a little peace of mind). Track your kids' priorities From sports teams to fashion trends, today’s kids have a lot on their minds.

Keeping track of homework assignments and projects can be an uphill battle. Encourage your child to try using a calendar to help prioritize assignments and keep track of due dates. PC-based options are great because your student can set electronic reminders for project deadlines.

One easy-to-use option is the calendar in Microsoft® Works 8. The Works 8 Calendar allows up to four people to create their own personal calendars, which is great if you have multiple children in your household. You can view each individual calendar, or use the View Together function to see two or more schedules combined.

With just a couple clicks, you can get a snapshot of everyone’s current and upcoming assignments and projects. You can help keep them on track by spending a few minutes every night checking in to see how various reports and papers are going. Showing interest can be a real motivator for kids and will also help them see the importance of working toward academic success

Five Signs Your Child Is in the Wrong Child Care Program

2006-07-27T15:37:00.000+07:00

If the caregivers will not communicate with you easily and readily, it could be a quality problem. Ask to observe, and occasionally drop in unannounced.

If your child comes home hungry, exhausted, and dirtier than is reasonable for a day of finger painting and papier maché it may be a quality issue.

Ask to talk to the director and/or go back and check those references. Inconsistencies and little deceptions are red flags that trust is an issue. Bail out.

Significant and repeated disparities in values between your home and the care personnel will confuse and worry your child ("Hit him back if you want him to stop hitting you"), and it probably means that you should call it quits.

The quality of care is really obvious when you drop off and pick up your child. The attention they give you shows how well the caretakers understand kids in general, and yours in particular.

Accentuate the Positive with Your Kids

2006-07-26T10:35:00.000+07:00

What's the daily ratio of positive, encouraging words that you say to your children, compared to the number of complaints, orders, criticisms, warnings, and discouraging words? According to the children I've spoken to over the past 20 years, the ratio is heavily weighted toward the negative. Far too many children have told me that these daily negative interactions form the core of their communication with their parents.

Social research on family communication has repeatedly confirmed the fact that we spend very little time actually talking with our children (less than 20 minutes a day, on average) and that when we do speak to them, it's more often to register a complaint, a command, or a request for assistance. As kids grow older, the ratio of negative to positive comments appears to increase, peaking during their middle to later teenage years.

It seems we're not talking with our children very much – and when we do say something to them, it's not likely to increase their sense of self-worth. I've heard countless versions of "The only time I hear anything from my parents is when I screw up." We can change this dismal state of parent-child interaction by changing how and why we speak with our children every day.

Our focus must shift from reminding them and reprimanding them for what they are doing wrong and for how they are disappointing us, to reminding them and showing them how much they are loved, appreciated, and valued. It doesn't mean that we give them false flattery, because they'll see right through that. It also doesn't mean that you don't tell them when they're in the wrong. But it does mean that we can't let them think that they are invisible and unnoticed except when they make a mistake or do not please us.

We must have more real conversations, in which we show a genuine interest in their world and we share our world with them. It doesn't take much time to fire off a messy room command or a curfew warning. But it does take time to enumerate the ways that you've been noticing your eight-year-old daughter's daily kindness to her ailing grandmother, to mention that you've noticed your twelve-year-old son has been taking time every afternoon after school to teach his younger brother how to dribble a basketball, and to remind your five-year-old daughter that nobody can make her new baby sister laugh and smile like she can.

Accentuating the positive – their positives – should be at the core of your communication with your children. It should be your primary intention for talking with your kids. Telling and showing our children how much we love and appreciate who they are can become a daily habit. Make an effort to do so every day."

Communication Tips for Parents

2006-07-26T09:50:00.000+07:00

Make the Time.

In today's complex world, it's even more important to make sure you set aside time to talk. That doesn't mean you have to hold a formal meeting. Sometimes the best discussions take place while you're driving the car or puttering around the kitchen.

Listen to the Little Stuff.

Kids will talk to you if they know you're going to listen – whether they discuss heavy issues such as sex and drugs, or everyday things like schoolwork. If your kids know you're listening, they are more likely to trust you enough to talk about everything in their life.

Listen Between the Lines.

Because a lot of kids find it hard to talk to their parents about things that really matter, parents have to pay special attention to what their kids may be trying to say. It helps to pay particular attention to emotions – not just the emotion itself, but its intensity, too.

Ask their Opinion.

Few things please children (or anybody else) more than being asked their opinion. You don't have to ask about important issues all the time, either.

Don't Interrupt.

In a national survey, more than half the children said that when they talked, their parents often or sometimes didn't give them a chance to explain themselves. It's a good idea to give your children some extra time to explain their opinion or desires, even if you think you know what they're going to say.

Talking with Kids about War

2006-07-26T09:39:00.000+07:00

"Why aren't they using their words?" a seven-year-old asks her mother about a bomb in the Middle East. In another house, an eleven-year-old asks, "Are we going to be bombed? Or maybe Washington? She's worried about her safety.

It's painfully difficult to talk with children about war. And given kids' access to media, it's almost impossible to protect them from frightening and confusing world events.
What we say to our children depends on their age, the questions they ask, and our own political and moral beliefs. Whatever we feel about what's happening in Iraq and other countries, we want to encourage children to continue to be curious about the world, to value peaceful resolutions to problems, and to feel free to come to us with questions and concerns.

General guidelines:
Try to find out what your children already know about the situation in Iraq, and how they found out about it.
Let them know that you understand that what is happening in Iraq is confusing and complicated.
Let them know you're glad to be talking with them about it.

Share your opinions and feelings about the bombing, whatever they are. Allow your children to express their own opinions.
Ask your children if they are worried and/or frightened about war. Even if they say, "No," you are giving them permission to have those feelings and to talk about them if they choose. In the United States, we can reassure our children that they are safe and not likely to be bombed.
However we feel about Sadam Hussein, our children should know that their Iraqi or Muslim classmates are not bad people. This is a good opportunity to debunk stereotyping.

If children want to help Iraqi children, encourage their concern and compassion. We can let them know about the International Red Cross, which can help victims of any country, even during a war.

Children under seven need special considerations:
Keep them away from television news.

Commercial programming may be interrupted by frightening news bulletins. Horrific images can cause nightmares and may awaken other fears and anxieties and they may need comforting.
Young children may not talk directly about the war, but their fears might come out in play, providing opportunities for discussion.

Reinforce the importance of using words to resolve conflicts.

However you feel about the bombings, we should help children understand that, usually, violence is not a constructive option. Special considerations for children of the militaryChildren will have understandable fears for the safety of parents sent overseas. Parents and relatives at home can help by letting children honestly express feelings and concerns. Frequent telephone calls, letters and/or email are essential in helping children feel connected to, and loved by, absent parents.